I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
