Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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