All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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