I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
