My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
