So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
