Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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