she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
