It was confusing and full of hummus
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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