i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
