I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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