You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
