I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
