im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
