I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
