I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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