he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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