I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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