Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
