No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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