I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Need sex. Gaining weight.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
