Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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