Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
