Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
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