Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
