At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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