I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize