Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
