I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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