our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
