She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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