i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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