Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
