Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
