I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
