If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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