Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
