I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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