I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize
