Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
