Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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