saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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