I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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