my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Randomize
