Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize