mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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