Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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