I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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