I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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