I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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