I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
