i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Randomize
