I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
