You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize