a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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